#GOD i'm so tired and angry
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If you don't respect straight trans men I'll kill you btw
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dick owners who are bodily able and living in an enviromentally capable conditions to flush toilets in a shared bathroom but don't,
fuck you 🖕🏻
#rin rambles#cw vent#cw unhygienic descriptions#delete later#you are disgusting. period.#i absolutely loathe these lind of inconsiderate people jesus fucking christ how low of an eq do you have#unhygienic incapable fucker i am so tired of going to bathrooms and finding piss and shit i hope the rest of your week suck#what are you? dogs? even dogs have the decency to try and bury their shit and piss. you're worse than dogs#i'm sorry i'm just so angry i've been putting up with this for months now and i'm just so fucking tired and disgusted#gods i want a studio apartment all to myself so bad but they're so obscenely expensive *and* small#i just want to go home.#just let me go home. please. please.
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Me: Getting ready to scroll up to check notifications one last time on tumblr before bed
Me: Sees gorgeous fanart of Wei Wuxian as I hit the home button and it vanishes forever
Me:
#I'm too tired to even try to look for it if I can#god I'm so angry#it was within my grasp and I saw it too late#anyway I sleep now#crys rambles ;;#mdzs#wei wuxian#mo dao zu shi#the grandmaster of demonic cultivation
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Brief rant but there is something so appalling to me when I see a writer use AI-generated images (no I won't call it art because it isn't, tyvm) for the header/cover of their writing/fic.
People don't want their work scraped. Be it writing, visual arts, music or voices even. But then go and use AI-generated shit out of an art field they don't actively contribute to. It disgusts me. Have you no conscience or shame?
Most writers are actively against the use of AI. Many people don't want to read fics written by AI.
So for the love of god...
If you're against AI - fucking be against it in all art forms and not just your own. It's hypocritical af!
#🍁 dust rambles#gonna start blocking every single fic author I see using AI generated images#I'm tired of it#support fellow artists regardless of the field#don't be hypocritical and only be against it as long as it affects you#writing#lately I'm also seeing more and more musicians using AI for their song cover artworks#and it pisses me off beyond belief#a bit of reflection would do some people good#god I'm so angry about AI bullshit#and frankly I'm tired of seeing it#fucking low quality ass garbage#*inhales* I'm clam again#just needed to get this off my chest
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i'm so unironically baffled at the amount of downgrades this site pushes out on a nearly weekly basis at this point. Near half if not all of them are almost completely useless and give absolutely zero benefit to user experience, if anything @staff is quite literally distancing their userbase.... do you think i want another twitter? Like what purpose or benefit does taking away dash avatars has... what's the benefit of taking away basic accessibility features.. fucking genuinely. I hate it here. I don't know how many more feedback letters I have to send in order for all this shit to stop... i'm so tired.
#i'm so tired. like genuinely.#i'm so very tired how as an artist who also relies partially on a FUNCTIONAL social media is being forced into a fucking corner like this#where the site is broken in every sense imaginable. and you have no intention to fix it. other than making it worse.#I've seen 12 year olds with java codes do a better job than this site#and u think i'm rambling nonsense bc i'm angry and yeah. i kinda am but then again i'm fuckign exhausted. and every day I have less desire#to spend even more than a second on this site#sorry!#anyways tldr. i hate it here.#please for the love of god stop giving this site money. in anyway.#i get u want the funny checkmarks but this staff doesnt deserve your pennies in any shape.
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So beyond tired of the reduction of incredibly complex political issues to glib games of point-scoring against whichever group you've decided are Bad™ and are therefore worthy of being horribly mutilated and killed. Social media sure is wonderful.
#dale's ramblings#politics#what part of politics specifically?#eh doesn't matter#i'm at the point where i simply do not care about which government does what to which other government#apparently feeling bad for the ordinary people that get caught in the midst of it all is a controversial notion#i don't care about who's to blame for which specific act of violence#i mean i do#knowledge is important and all#but the overriding consideration for me is that i just don't think people should be hurt#and if you're looking for something to get up in arms about don't worry i got you covered:#yes this is about xyz political conflict that you personally are invested in#and yes it is an expression of sympathy for abc group you think should be horribly killed#wowee aren't you just so angry#don't you just wanna quote me into oblivion#god it's so fucking interchangeable and i am tired of it
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my family was just robbed of two thousands and my grandmother was denied a permanent residence card despite her daughter and grandchildren having lived here for 20 years and despite her being 80, so she can only spend a total of 90 days here in the next 5 years, and we can't visit her because we'll be arrested as soon as we cross the border, all this together meaning she will probably die alone there. and how are the rest of you all doing
#i'm so fucking sad and angry with all this#i made 10k last year but my family doesn't know so i'm considering taking the 2k from it to give to them like#'oh look he returned it after all how lucky how nice of him!!'#but God. like it's not my fault AT ALL that we're missing those 2k and i worked so hard for them...#also we're not criminals it's just belarus. we protested lukashenko out on the streets and we're in photographs.#you get jailed for even Liking an anti-lukashenko post on social media#and in terms of my family we're talking Writing anti-lukashenko articles#so... yeah#it's over#as soon as we cross the border#and people die in those jails! just recently a family friend was beaten to death#he was a painter#i'm. SO fucking tired of this#i am also not doing so hot but that'll have to wait fucking... forever because my father is retiring this winter#and my only access to healthcare was through his company health insurance#so 💙#mine
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake
#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update#she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back#i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat#im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it#bc what the fuck#i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages#and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things.#i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit#and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc#it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday#why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up#I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever#i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for#and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about#that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell#why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family#and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call#which gives them space to harass me about work and shit
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ok fine im a bit pissy
I did not spend HOURS of EVERY DAY this week, most often WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT
doing things for certain types of encampment that I CANT TALK ABT ON SOCIAL MEDIA ON RISK OF SELF-INCRIMINATION
to be palestine-guilted over MEMEING ABOUT MISHA COLLINS
I did not WORK MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION
face *REDACTED* and *REDACTED*
to be told that my HAPPY LITTLE FANDOM POSTING on a site with NO FINANICAL OR ALGORITHMIC SIGNIFICANCE TO CELEBRITIES somehow undoes alllll of that.
is this a good post? no. does it apply to a lot of ppl? prolly not. could I lose followers/moots for this? yeah.
but its what I'm feeling rn.
#literally the only reason im not holding the line rn is bc im actively physically ill#gods forbid that when im miserable abt not being able to help. some fantastic tumblr bs occurs to cheer me up#misha collins#misha fucking collins#like i dont even support him! why do ppl think memes = “i support this person and all their beliefs”#also its fucked up that “palestine-guilted” is even a THING. either say shit that contributes to real information spreading/activism/etc#or gtfo the movement. like this is so unserious in the worst possible way#sorry im probably going to get so much hate on this post I'm just. tired. and angry.#i keep saying this but every time you want to make a post shaming ppl on tumblr for supporting a celeb/public figure over this issue....#ask yourself why you aren't using that time and energy to make change in a way that matters.#yall clearly are angry for the right reasons and have really good hearts. but this aint it. ppl online arent gonna care and these actors+#dont know you exist and likely never will.
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i don't understand why everyone thinks you have to be one thing.
#you have to like cats or dogs.#you have to like hot or cold weather.#you have to be male or female.#you have to like men or women.#you have to be feminine or masculine.#you like to be kind? obviously you're some little naive flower. no you can't swear. no you can't get angry.#you like animation? you must only like little kid things. oh god we put on a violent movie - cover your delicate baby eyes.#you don't drink alcohol? you must be boring and hate fun#you're gay - why the hell would you enjoy a romance story between men and women?#you bought a skirt? finally! you can start being the woman we'd always hoped you'd be#you love your family right? that means you'll agree with everything we think right?#i'm just so tired#i'm so sick of being shoved into little fucking boxes or being forced to wear as many different masks as i can#to make other people more comfortable or to be more palpable for others to consume
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for the past year or two I've been almost exclusively turning to daredevil when I want to read some comics and thus I forgot that iron man comics just really do hit different for me. that's not even always, or even usually, in a good way. but iron man comics hook my brain in a way that nothing else can. even bad iron man comics, even iron man comics that i hate, activate my brain in a way that nothing else can. truly no other character will ever be tony stark for me
#i think it's that i forget that tony stark is ACTUALLY still my favorite fictional character of all time#that's just been a fact of my life for so long that i forget it actually means something#like oh yeah tony stark is my favorite character. the sun also rises in the east. yknow?#but then i find my way back to Tony Stark Media and i'm like OHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD YEAH HE'S MY F A V O R I T E C H A R A C T E R#and i've been having a great time reading daredevil bc matt is absolutely among my all time favorite characters#and even better daredevil comics are actually good. like daredevil at its worst is like. forgettable and silly. at worst!#as a fan of matt murdock daredevil comics almost never offend me and sometimes as a weathered and tired iron man fan i need that#but dang it......iron man comics........nothing else is like this for me#like even the feeling of being ANGRY ABOUT iron man comics. even the feeling of being tired of iron man comics#i think it's just that i genuinely don't care about any other character quite as much as i care about tony stark
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You ever have a fellow mentally ill person basically call you ableist for not being able to be there for them anymore?
Like, my brother in christ, we are both suffering here. What am I supposed to do? Prioritize only you and hurt myself?
Guilting me (and my friends) by saying your disorder "isn't pretty enough for you" is accusatory and manipulative. I̲t̲'̲s̲ ̲n̲o̲t̲ ̲t̲h̲e̲ ̲t̲r̲u̲t̲h̲. It's only hurtful, and doesn't make helping you any easier.
It doesn't matter if your disorder is stigmatized; you don't get to start basically implying people are ableist for not being able to constantly be tolerant and be supportive of you.
People run out of spoons! People have other shit going on outside of you!! OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO DISABLED BY THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES!!
If they leave, it's not because your disorder is "ugly." It's because they have their own priorities.
#caster speaks#I don't care who sees this#not even the person I'm talking about#they can be angry about it#they wrote an entire poem. I can write vagueposts on tumblr.#vent#mental health#ableism#depression#PDD#Persistent depressive disorder#how do you fumble the bag with so many people who genuinely wanted to see you get better#oh wait! Accuse them of rushing you and putting expectations on you and also being ableist#even though two of those things were self imposed by your own image of others#I am bitter as fuck but I do hopethings go well for them#I did not bust my ass for literaly years to quit wanting a motherfucker's mental health journey to go good#I swear to god though#if they and the people who defend them keep ignoring all the shit people went through#or excusing their actions#on the grounds of trauma#except for when literally anyone else does shit because of trauma and distress#like damn at least do both#and quit calling people abusers too when you literally implode when it's aimed back at you#both members of a party can be abusive#did malachite teach you nothing#bruh#I'm so fucking tired#I needed to just scream all of this out so I can finally be left ALONE in my own head#AAAAAAAAAAUGHHHhhh#self victimizing
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Lmao I hate Polish people
#i can say this because i'm one of them#but oh my god#polish people are so negative and pissy all the time it's no wonder my mood is always shit#seeing and hearing nothing but complaining all day every day is exhausting#always finding a way to get angry at something#and put someone down#aghhh#and of course rampant bigotry#i'm fucking tired and just needed to complain#marti vents#polish stuff#delete later#and ofc i'm not saying i'm a very positive person cause i'm obviously not#but i'm trying
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Why am I like this
#I'm so frustrated with myself#I wanted to have dinner two hours ago but I just didn't#and now I've sat around for two hours really hungry doing nothing#so I've wasted two hours I could have been productive during#and now I'm barely even hungry anymore I just feel kinda sick and so angry with myself#and I really doubt I'll manage to get anything done once I've finally cooked and eaten dinner#because it's late and I already feel tired#and the fact that I'm so upset with myself certainly doesn't help either#I can't focus when I feel like this I just want to cry and scream and hurt myself#which sounds so dramatic over absolutely nothing I know it's stupid#but I just get like this sometimes#I was already feeling kinda on edge all day and it's just getting worse#everything is so loud and I'm stressed and overwhelmed#my head already really hurt but I just hit it so hard god I'm so stupid I wish I wasn't like this#as if giving myself more of a headache was gonna make anything better#god I can't do anything#and why does this man need to watch tv with the volume at max#I fucking hate it here#and now I don't want to eat the thing I was planning on making but there's nothing else and I'm hungry but also not#and I know I can't do anything else until I've eaten but I just don't wanna idk I'm too upset to eat#I wish I was normal#personal
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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